Why did you do that?
I have some feedback for you.
What were you thinking?
The words that we use have power, as do the circumstances.
To underscore this point, try the following experiment: Take a moment to reread the above sentences, but this time imagine that they were said to you by your boss, in a loud voice, in a meeting attended by one of your clients. Now imagine that they were said to you during a private lunch with a friendly co-worker whose concern for you was written all over their face. Finally, imagine that you are the person saying these things, not the recipient.
Same words, different impacts: on our behavior, on the behavior of others, and on the culture of our teams and organizations.
In this newsletter, we’ll look at potential triggering events as well as ways to return to a neutral and relaxed state when having a difficult conversation.
Remember: Discomfort is normal, but change is possible.
First, it’s important to recognize that humans have been hard wired to be alert to threats — even an unfounded sense of a threat — because safety and survival are paramount. Many millennia later, our brains haven’t caught up with the times. The things we perceive as threats today really aren’t going to harm our physical safety, unlike the hazards we often faced in prehistoric days. Even so, we are still programmed to scan constantly for threats and to seek safety every five seconds.
Difficult or uncomfortable conversations can be perceived as threats. As a result, you want to be mindful of the words that you use, the tone of your speech, and the environment in which you communicate. It’s important to understand how to avoid activating the threat response in others.
Why? Because feeling a heightened state of threat can activate a person’s fight or flight response, which in turn can shut down communication and connection, and almost always breaks down trust.
I need to initiate a difficult conversation: How do I do it?
If you are the initiator of a difficult conversation and you have been triggered by the circumstances and/or by what you need to say, then try to be aware of how you are communicating. Your own anger or frustration could negatively impact the discussion and the person you’re speaking with.
Before having any type of conversation, be mindful and ask yourself if you are triggered. Examine how you feel: What is your state of mind and body? Is your heart beating quickly? Are you feeling anxious? Is there tightness in your jaw? Do you have a headache?
Imagine how the conversation will go: Are you replaying scenarios in your head in which the outcome is bad?
If you are feeling physical symptoms of anxiety or are expecting the worst, give yourself time to calm down. Activate your parasympathetic nervous system by taking deep breaths, reflecting, and even giving yourself time between the event that created the need for the conversation and when you plan to have the conversation. The parasympathetic system slows us down, calms us, helps us to relax and lowers our stress hormones. When you get into the habit of calming yourself down before having an uncomfortable conversation, you begin to retrain your brain and create new neural pathways. This will help you to stay in a more relaxed state when circumstances get stressful.
