Have you ever worked with someone who for no apparent reason just flies off the handle over the smallest thing?
Do you take it personally? I know that I usually do. We often take other people’s actions and behaviors personally, even if they may not have been directed at us. Did I do something to upset that person? Did I say something? Make a mistake without knowing it and now must deal with their upset? For those of us who take it to heart, it usually ends in extra stress, loss of sleep and rumination.
Why do we take everything so personally, and more importantly how can we stop it? A tendency toward people pleasing is a common reason for taking things too personally. I know because I am a people pleaser. I initially realized this about myself when I took an assessment that identified the saboteur. Those of us with people pleasing tendencies over-seek harmony and affirmation. It’s wonderful when things are aligned and happy, but in the real world, it isn’t always that way. (By the way, if you’re curious about what the assessment might reveal for you, here’s the link).
Often, my clients are troubled because of a coworker or bosses’ moodiness and are unable to interpret if it’s directed at them personally or not. It’s very hard for many to communicate with bosses or colleagues who seem happy and approachable one day and upset and standoffish the next. Working with people you don’t get along with takes a toll on your productivity and creativity. Productivity drops because questions that need to be asked are not for fear of negative repercussions. Creativity is impacted because of a reluctance to ask for input and collaboration. Your overall quality of performance suffers, as does your time management.
In the absence of clarity, we take things too personally. Our minds create meanings that may not be true. “What did I do to upset XYZ?”. The other day, I was on a new client Zoom call, and towards the end of our time together, I noticed my client’s eyes shifted away from the screen. Immediately, I took that small act personally… did I do or say something wrong? We often jump to that conclusion first. What happened was they received an important email at exactly that moment.
Rick Hanson, PH.D, Psychologist, and best-selling author recently retold a story that I thoroughly enjoyed because it provided perspective on how to not take things so personally.
Imagine yourself going on a beautiful picnic in a canoe on a beautiful sunny, warm day. You pack all the utensils, and you bring a special bottle of champagne and some delicious food. You then canoe out into the lake. You’re getting everything ready and “WHAM” you get struck by another boat and capsize. Everything flips over and is now at the bottom of the lake and you are soaked. You pop up from the water and see it’s a bunch or wild-eyed kids wreaking havoc on the lake, and you get angry and upset; “Why do all these types of things happen to me?” Fuming mad you think, “What did I do to deserve this?” and “My day is ruined!” – “I’m going to get those kids and give them a what for….” Imagine how are you feeling in this moment? Probably not too good.
Now imagine the same scenario: beautiful day, you in the canoe getting ready to pour your champagne and then “WHAM” you get struck and the boat flips over and again you’re soaked to the core. You pop out of the water to see that a log floated and struck your boat. Everything is the same, but do you feel the same way? Sure, you’re upset, but are you taking it personally? Probably not. It’s unfortunate, and in the future, you might prepare differently and look at where you were canoeing to make sure there weren’t a lot of dead logs floating around. But you probably wouldn’t take the whole event so personally. You’d likely not be fuming about what happened. You’d simply see it as an unfortunate situation.
The lesson is that we don’t have to take other people’s reactions or behaviors personally all the time. Their actions should be viewed as logs floating into us and not malicious acts that are designed to make us stress or feel bad. What I like about this story is that it can be applied to your day-to-day life. When I think that someone is doing something to me…from now I can say “I just got bumped by a log.”
We get to decide.
